I call the week before the Christmas season "Potluck week". This is when all cheap organizations, who don't want to squeeze out a dime for a proper Christmas party, ask all their employees to bring food for an inter-office buffet.
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I remember when my wife worked for Arthur Andersen, they threw the best Christmas parties. In fact, most companies would throw some kind of Christmas party for their employees. Most companies would rent out a hotel ballroom and have drinks, dancing, and scandalous pictures. No longer my friends.
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These are the lean days of break-rooms with no coffee, toilet paper with wood chips in it, and pot lucks.
Somewhere along the line, it became OK to skip the company-sponsored Christmas party and opt for the dreaded Potluck.
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I say dreaded because I abhor them. You can’t get more low-rent than asking Tanya from Accounting to bring in her “world-famous” burrito dish.
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If someone where to ask me to pinpoint three things that drive my distain for Potlucks, I would say:
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1. Cats and Shirtless Cooks
Most of us will stay away from restaurants that look dirty and sleazy. Why then would we eat food from a stranger’s house? I don’t know who these people are. I don’t know what their houses are like.
Maybe Phil from Supply Chain likes to cook shirtless. Imagine him rolling meatballs with his hairy chest exposed. Maybe Paula from HR has 20 cats that like to lick the spoon when she makes cookies. As far as I’m concerned, everyone has the same distribution of foreign DNA in their potluck offering. I’ll pass on the E-Coli melts….thank you.
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2. Green Jell-O with Hotdog Chunks
Then there’s the chance you’ll be pressured into eating some science experiment of a dish, like Green Jell-O with Hotdog Chunks. I always feel bad when anyone brings the “weird” dish. I just know they’ll be driving home with the entire bowl of Ambrosia they brought (sans the one polite scoop taken out of it).
Ambrosia….blagh! Satan’s recipe of canned fruit and runny whipped cream. I’d rather have Vinnie Jones kick me in the batteries.
The point is, there is always someone dying for you to try their “original recipe” Asian Chestnut Quesadillas. No thanks. I’ll just eat one of the 25 store-bought desserts all the lazy people brought.
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3. Socially Awkward Eating
Small talk, long periods of silence, and forced laughter; oh we’re partying now.
Are we really going to pretend that the people we hate in real life will become gracious and interesting in a conference room full of food? Why are we all laughing so hard at the boss’ jokes?
If you really want to break up the awkwardness, stare at the grossest looking dish and scream “OH MY GOD!!”….then run out muttering something about "the flying salmon". Don't come back until the next day.
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Anyway; those are my thoughts on Potlucks. Whew….I’m glad I got that off my shirtless chest. Now I can get back to rolling these meatballs.
And one barrel of Holiday Spirit, one!
Nice reference to Vinny Jones – famously known for his 'Crown Jewels' grab & run during a football match
Hmmm, you left out the 'human wood chipper'. There always seems to be one poor soul who obviously never gets to eat out on a regular basis. They start at one end of the buffet line, and throw a non-stop spray of cookie crumbs, veggie chunks, and other compost out the 'discharge chute' as they cruise through the goodies, 'taste-testing' for everyone else…NICE!
When the "paperless office" is finally implemented, we're all going to miss he good old days of "wood chips in the toilet paper".
As far as austerity programs, how about the next time senior management comes to town we show off our cost cutting zeal by giving them a bag of white bread, a jar of no-name peanut butter and a knfe for their business lunch??
In all seriosity…..
The firm I'm with does a once-a-year (not Xmas) pot luck, highlighting dishes from different countries. Since we have representatives from most of the UN countries the eatin' is pretty great. Changed my mind about pot lucks.
You gotta be kidding – I have seen some of the most gross looking things – when you work in NY I was asked what I wanted, I replied as long as it doesn't move on the plate, when one day I swear I saw the potato chip moving from then on I just tell them I have medications that I take that may not agree with whatever the H that is. It was always arranged that I would get a very important phone call and it required at least an hour or more to help that poor soul > my wife.
How's this for a secret santa present: http://www.zingermans.com/Product.aspx?ProductID=G-BAC-3