Gift Giving Advice for Men

Ok men – I know some of you are still struggling to think of the perfect gift for your fetching lady. I’m here to help.

Just follow these eight basic rules:

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Rule 1: Never spend less than 100 dollars.

When your woman tells you that it’s the sentiment of a gift that counts, she’s lying. What she really means is “It’s the sentiment that counts, as long as it’s useful or expensive.

When picking out a gift for your lady, you’ve got to hit that right balance of sentiment and cost.

Don’t believe me? Try writing a poem and handing that in as her gift. I guarantee you won’t get away with that douchery.

Trust me, she’ll know if you went cheap on her. So don’t go cheap.

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Rule 2: NO Pajamas or Clothing.

I don’t know what makes men think that women want pajamas as a gift. The last thing your woman wants pull out of a box is an extra large “Little House on the Prairie” night gown. The message you’re sending is “Here honey…you look tired”. Pajamas look like an easy gift idea, but they’re bad news.

In fact, any type of clothing is bad news. Let’s face it, you can’t even buy yourself decent clothing. What makes you think you can buy her a shirt? 

Whatever piece of clothing you buy her will end up becoming her “inside” clothes. You know, the sweat pants she only wears indoors.

Not only that, but you’ll inevitably be forced to defend your purchase with statements like “How am I supposed to know you’re not a size 14?”

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Rule 3: NO Stuffed Animals

Guys – skip the stuffed animals. It’s moronic, and she’s not 13 years old (at least I hope not).

When you give your lady a Teddy Bear dressed as a burglar with a card saying “You stole my Heart”, you’re really saying “I spent 10 minutes shopping for a mass marketed sentiment…online”.

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Rule 4: NO Music

Hey – we all like music. But believe me, your lady will not appreciate the AC/DC box set as a gift. The only thing she’ll be shaking all night long is her head.  Save the CD purchases for another time. Better yet…bring her into the 21st century with an IPod.

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Rule 5: NO Hygiene Gifts

Oh yes…she’ll feel the love in the air when she opens up a 6-pack of ‘Bath and Body Works’ shampoo and loofah. I don’t think so. This most certainly breaks rule number one. But more than that, this is what I call a hygiene gift.

A hygiene gift is a gift that suggests something about a woman’s hygiene or appearance. For example, a 12-pack of Chapstick is a hygiene gift. This gift says “here’s something to help with your nasty lips”.

No fellas – let her buy the hygiene products on her own dime. Whatever agenda you have for tonight will definitely not be realized with the “Oil of Olay” face washing kit.

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Rule 6: NO Pictures of the Kids in a Frame

I’m not sure what goofball came up with this one. There is a notion that women love large picture frames with pictures of the kids.

She sees enough of the kids. Believe me, she knows what those A-holes look like.

Hell…she wants you to watch the kids; she doesn’t want to look at them.

So no matter how cute your brood is, it’s never cute enough.

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Rule 7: She Just Wants to Get Out of the House.

Women really only want two things:  they want you to clean the bathroom, and they want to get out of the house some time.

A perfect gift for your lady is a Gift Certificate for 5 one-hour massages at the local massage therapist. Another option is 5 trips to the Pedicurist. This kind of gift is not only substantial enough to meet the cost threshold; it meets the sentiment standard as well.

These gifts say “Just go relax snoopy…I’ve got the kids for an hour or two”.
They get to feel pampered and all princess-y, and you get to take a two-hour nap. It’s a win/win situation!

Oh…the kids? Just put on a movie for them. Can anyone say “Repeat Play”?!

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Rule 8: When All Else Fails, There’s always Jewelry.

3 thoughts on “Gift Giving Advice for Men

  1. Ron Ratliff

    Damn! I’ve broken 7 of the 8 rules!

    And I thought the “Little House on The Prairie” pj’s were “cute”…..

    Off to the mall to pick-up something “sentimental” from the jewelry store….

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