Bacon Bits:

This is the last interview of my summer series, the ‘Road of the Excel Bastards’. This series was my take on a series called Road of the Excel Masters started a long time ago by Excel MVP, Colo.

In his series, he would interview Excel gurus, asking them Excel related questions. In my version, I ask questions that have nothing to do with Excel.

Today’s Excel Bastard is Mike Alexander!

Yes – I saved the best for last. I’m interviewing myself because I’ve got mad Excel skills. I’m the president and CEO of this $12k a year enterprise called DataPig Technologies. Between gigs, I write books (10 or so at last count), I blog, and I eat. I’m not the smartest, or oldest, or fattest Excel MVP out there, but I’m definitely the coolest.

Here is my schizophrenic interview with Mike Alexander, Excel Guru.

DataPig: What’s your favorite thing in your refrigerator right now?

Mike: Some Baby Swiss Mrs. Pig bought from Sam’s club.

DataPig: Red Shirt or Blue?

Mike: I pick Blue. Mrs. Pig says she likes me in Red. But I know what she’s thinking.

DataPig: How many hats do you have?

Mike: I actually don’t own any hats. I would love to wear hats – if I looked good in them. Unfortunately, I look goofy in a hat.

DataPig: Who plays your role in a movie about Excel?

Mike: Bruce Campbell

DataPig: Which Superpower do you want: Invisibility, Flight, Strength, or Mind Reading?

Mike: I’ll pick Mind Reading. That way, I won’t have to ask the kids, “What the hell were you thinking”? I’ll know what they were thinking.

DataPig: What’s the title of your autobiography?

Mike: Stop Provoking Yourself.

DataPig: Who do you like better, Tom or Jerry?

Mike: I’ve always liked Tom better.  Mice are creepy – and this one is too much of a smart-ass.  He deserves to be eaten.

DataPig: What’s the most important part of the sandwich?

Mike: The Bacon.

DataPig: What’s the Best thing you ever ate?

Mike: Dry Aged T-Bone from Pappas Bros Steakhouse. This is a SILF – like a MILF, but it’s a steak.

DataPig: What’s the Worst thing you ever ate?

Mike: My mother tried to cook Cow Tongue once, but she didn’t really know how to prepare it.

First, she left the taste buds on it (I think you have to peel that off?). As I was tasting it, I think it was tasting me back.

Second, she boiled it. You guys in England liked boiled meat. I’m not used to that.

Third, she served it with Ketchup.

It was the single grossest thing I’ve ever eaten. Believe me, she was happy to be done with it too.

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